Chapter XI: A Glitch in the Matrix

Whenever I make an allusion, either in writing, or aloud, I always fear that the people on the recieving end will be too stupid to understand it, and will, in turn, think I am stupid for saying something seemingly weird (if you don't get the allusion).

Most people are probably smart enough to understand all my allusions, but then I fear that the person I'm talking/writing to will maybe think I made the allusion unintentionally, because he thinks I'm stupid.

In any case, immediately following the allusion with an explication of it remedies both of these situations. On one hand, I'm assured that the person I'm talking to will realize an allusion was made, and on the other, he will be assured I made it on purpose.

For example, the title of this blog used to be "The Light Fan Tastic". And beneath the title, I scribbled something about how it was an allusion to The Glass Menagerie, but also a play on my last name.

I realize I haven''t explicated the new title "My Life is a Refrigerator Full of Condiments But No Real Food" (that was for reference, if I ever change the title again), which is also an allusion, to Fight Club. But I guess I just did.

And so with that introduction, we can proceed.

The title of this chapter is an allusion to something Trinity said in The Matrix, regarding the phenomenon of deja vu. However, this entry is not about The Matrix, nor about deja vu, nor even about allusions.

It's about something wierd that happened tonight in the parking lot of the Vons supermarket in San Luis Obispo. Quinn and I had just purchased some stuff with a $25 gift card he had (yes, a gift card for Vons) and we walked to his car, which is one of about only four left in the parking lot. I get to the front passenger side and open the door, and as I am about to get in, he looks over and says, "Um, this isn't my car."

He was right, of course, but that's where the strangeness begins. There were only four cars left in the parking lot, and parked next to Quinn's happened to be one that was nearly identical to his. He has a Volkwagen Jetta; the other car was a Volkwagen Jetta. His car is painted dark green; the other car was the exact same shade of dark green. And of course, there was the mystery as to why he had been able to unlock that car. I mean, how could it not be his car if he unlocked the doors? In fact, the actual owner had, for some reason, left them unlocked.

Either she (we were able to infer the owner's gender based on her vehicle's contents) was very forgetful, or didn't feel anyone would try to steal an ugly green Jetta. And she would have been right of course--the only reason anyone would touch her car is if they mistook it for a different car, which is exactly what happened .

It was a bizarre experience that disoriented me for a moment, not unlike deja vu might do. And that is why I allude to it in the title. See? Everything I say has a purpose, you just have to wait and see.

In an amusing coda, after Quinn parked back at Cal Poly and we had walked about two hundred feet up the hill...he realized he had forgotten to lock the car.

Chapter X: The Quotable Professor

After two days of school, I've had all my classes at least once, and am prepared to offer up the most interesting kernel of wisdom delivered by each professor on the first day of class. Ahem.

Professor Buffa (of Physics): "...What are the laws of physics the ball obeys when you throw it up?" I guffawed uncontrollably for about 1.2 seconds after this rhetorical question, and continued guffawing for several seconds thereafter, albeit controllably. My immediate mental image was of Professor Buffa vomitting a tennis ball into the air, along with his lunch. If anyone else in the class found this funny, they gave no indication.

Professor Choi (of Architectural History): "We will ask you, 'What is this building?' and 'What time period was it constructed in?' and you will fill in the correct bubble...or, I should say, about 70% of you will fill in the correct bubble."

Professor Yip (of Architectural History), regarding the remote control which operates the projector: "It's like a little space ship." This was amusing because the remote control had no resemblence to a space ship at all.

Professor Bomstad (of Philosophy): "Question: How do you get a philosopher off your porch?
Answer: Pay for the pizza."

Professor Freeby (of Architectural Design): "Gofjewol Hbyhfffoeeq." Or something, I can't remember. He mangled someone's name on the roll sheet though.

Professor Howell (of British Literature): "If you squeeze the pig, he'll squeal." This man makes me want to die. He probably spoke as many words in two hours as, say, Professor Bomstad did in twenty minutes. I did not know anyone could talk so slowly, and he doesn't stock his required text at the campus bookstore, and he has this weird touchy feely participation based grading, and he waited until 7:00 PM (the class starts at 6:00) before he turned on the lights in the room, and only because someone asked him to. Personally, I was curious as to how dark he'd let it get before he noticed that we couldn't read our syllabi anymore. And to top it all off, I'm going to have to read Frankenstein again, which was only one of two books I ever threw away because I hated it so much. The other was Treasure Island. I think I'm going to drop this class like a flaming sack of goat feces, but finding something to take instead will be sucky.

In other news, Adbusters arrived in the mail today. Now I can appropriately equip myself to conform to the mainstream of counterculture culture.

Chapter IX: Bad Beats

Esoteric--poker.

The situation: There are six players, arranged thusly:

button, small blind, big blind, player A, Me, player B.

I am dealt Q Q. Player A raises one chip, to 5. I reraise 4 more, to a total of 9. Player B folds, the button calls. The blinds fold. Player A calls.

Three players to the flop, which is J22. Player A bets 10. Putting him on the J, I raise to 40. I have 9 chips left. To my horror, both the button and player A call. I am screwed. One of them must have the 2 (and called the preflop raise for kicks), or a higher pocket pair. The turn is an 8. Player A checks to me, and I resignedly bet my remaining 9 chips. Surprisingly, the button folds, but Player A calls.

Player A did not, in fact, have the 2 or a higher pocket pair. He turns over 8 8, which means I winning when he called my preflop raise (81.5% favorite), I was winning when he called my massive bet on the flop (91.6% favorite), but caught the 8 on the turn for a full house and a 95.6% advantage. This is very very disappointing.

I have a 4.4% chance of hitting a queen on the river. But then, just like in Maverick, it happens. The queen lands, and I have queens full of twos, beating eights full of twos.

And I do believe that is the first time I've been all-in and won when drawing to two outs on the river. To put it another way, this is the worst beat I've ever given someone.

The worst beat I ever got, of course, was when I flopped a straight and moved all-in. The caller then magically converted middle pair on the flop into three of a kind on the turn, and full house on the river.

In other news, I've found that The Washington Post has become slightly more interesting reading over the past week than The New York Times.

11/02/2005 UPDATE: New bad beat: I have 3h 4h, the flop is 5h 6h 7h...straight flush. Various things happen, all-in by the river, which is 8h. Other guy has 9h. Ow.

Chapter VIII: The Coolest Chapter

I don't know how to preface what I'm about to do, so I won't try. It's pretty self-explanatory.

Normal: tryptofantasmic
Eyes closed: tryptofantasmic
Eyes closed w/ one hand (L): tryoiigabtasnyc
Eyes closed w/ one hand (R): tryptodsbtsdbyc
Toes: trypotkifcAFTRATIC
Nose: tr60-5oqhawstic
Palm: trey;ogtofasnb tsasatiuc
Chin: trflkxcz bntgaswtiux
Elbow: t54ryptgolfvaz n fzsxgtikc
Tongue: tryptofantasmic
CD held between teeth: trypttyofabtrasmnic
Force powers:
Butt: re[[;p'-;['pk,mnb
Butt w/ eyes closed: qaloYHYG

I'm sure you can guess what else I thought of trying, but I would have had to hold the keyboard upside down, which is inconvenient since I use a laptop.

Conclusion: One one hand, losing one's sight is not a major hindrance to a skilled typist. On the other hand, losing one's hands is. Should this happen, your best bet appears to be to resort to the tongue*, followed by a CD held between the teeth.

*Don't try this in public, or on a keyboard that was previously owned by a handless, tongueless, CDless person. He probably used his toes.

Chapter VII: 2103

Milestones are wonderful things. Last week, I got my license to kill...er...drive. And yesterday, I finally pushed my Yahoo! Literati rating above 2100.

Literati is basically yahoo.com's version of Scrabble, with some adjustments to the board layout and letter values so as to avoid being sued for copyright infringement.

The rating system is similar to the ELO system used by the International Chess Federation. Basically, a player of "average" ability (average being used in the statistical sense) is assigned a rating of 1500. Each 100 points above and below 1500 is supposed to be one standard deviation of skill. If this were actually true, my rating of 2103 would be approximately six standard deviations above average, putting me in the top 99.9999998th percentile. Another way to put this is that there are only 12 people on the planet better than I am.

In practice, 2100 in Literati is more like three standard deviations, or the 97.5th percentile. The reason that 2100 is so special is because when you're in a game lobby, your screen name has a little colored square next to it based on what rating range you're in. Green for 0-1199, blue for 1200-1499 purple for 1500-1799, orange for 1800-2099, and red for 2100 and above. So yes, that's what the big deal is: I have a red square now.

This would have been even cooler if it had happened three years ago, when I was communist (the Kremlin is called Red Square). I probably didn't need to add that parenthetical note, but some of you guys are pretty fucking stupid and might not have gotten it. You know who you are. =)

Until next time, do svidaniya.

Chapter VI: Booger King

Something odd happened when I went to Burger King with Kohei last night. It was around 8:00 PM, well within Burger King's operating hours, and there was a sign that said OPEN, yet all the doors were locked. In fact, there were people inside, eating. We were unable to enter though, and took the drive-thru.

I know some convenience stores only use the reinforced window after a certain hour to hamper robbers, but this was a Burger King, at eight o'clock, in suburban Orange County, across the street from a public library --which was still open. Very strange. The only explanation I can think of is they must have closed early to prepare for a Satanic ritual of some kind, probably involving child sacrifice and cannibalism. And maybe incense.

Anyhow, on the subject of fast food, my uncle used to call cheeseburgers "cheese neowgers," to the great merriment of the younger generation. The reason for this was that the "bur" part of burger is phonetically identical to the word "bird" (when spoken in an Oriental accent), and the Chinese word for bird is neow.

Also, the Chinese for McDonald's sounds very similar to the Chinese for "sells cockroaches." This may or may not be a coincidence.

Also, when I was really little, I called Happy Meals "Happy Milks." However, this had nothing to do with being Chinese, and more to do with being four years old.

On the subject of Satanic rituals, I saw someone using a CoinStar at Ralph's yesterday.

Chapter V: Bump Screeech

After all these years, I did it at last. I have a license. I can finally drive. Fine, it's not that exciting, but I often thought it would never happen. In fact, up until the moment the examiner said, "Okay, you passed," I sincerely thought that I had failed...miserably...and indeed, I came within a hair.

Now that it's over, the whole day seems kind of funny, but it wasn't at the time.

Let's rewind to a scene that took place at 7:50 AM this morning, in my mom's black Toyota Avalon:

-----
"Just shut up Mom, you aren't helping. I'm trying to find it."

"WHERE IS IT?! WHY DID YOU LOSE IT! YOU'RE SO STUPID!"

"SHUT UP, MOM! Are you SURE it's not in the glove compartment?"

"NO, IT'S NOT THERE!! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!! YOUR APPOINTMENT IS IN TEN MINUTES!!!! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THIS?! I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"I didn't do it on FUCKING PURPOSE, Mom! I thought they were all together!"

"FUCKING! FUCKING! NO WONDER YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS, YOU TALK LIKE THAT!!"

"JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP, MOM!!!"
-----

Heartwarming, yes? That's not an exact transcription, since everything my mom said was in Chinese--one of the more annoying languages to have screamed at you from two feet away. The case item was a DMV document filled out by my optometrist certifying that I can see well enough to drive (required since I am legally blind in my left eye).

It was never found, and I drove to the DMV without it, to make my 8:00 AM appointment. Rattled by the morning's events, I ran a red light, as well as made a left turn into the wrong lane on the way. This was inauspicious.

Inside the DMV, they just took my permit and never asked for the eye form, since I guess most people don't need it. This was Miracle #1.

After that, it took about half an hour for an examiner to get to me. He was hirsute and could have been mistaken for a homeless drunk, if it were not for the DMV badge hanging around his neck, and the clipboard in his hand.

I thought I was doing fine until he told me to reverse parallel to the curb, which was on a hill. I had never practiced this, and wasn't sure what he meant, but I had read about parking on hills, so I got my back tires to gently touch the curb. He indicated that I should continue reversing, but there wasn't anywhere to go since I was already as far as I could go. This fact was made abundantly clear by the BUMP SCREEECH noise of my back tire grinding into the curb. I had to go into drive and then do it again. I'm pretty sure what I did qualified as "Striking object/curb" which is a "CRITICAL ERROR" and should have resulted in an instant fail. Apparently, it did not. This was Miracle #2.

I heard him sigh, and thought that I had definitely failed, and he was just going to wait until we returned to the DMV to tell me. It was thus with great approbation that I pulled into the parking lot. Oops, I mean apprehension. Anyway, so I parked and he said "Okay, you passed" and left without another word. Here is the top part of my score sheet:



Yep, one more error and I would have failed. This was Miracle #3 (that my examiner was kind and/or not observant).

So yes, I have a license now. So much more freedom, but all I can think about is never having to step foot in the goddamn DMV again.

That's all folks.