Chapter LXXVI: I Once Was Lost

but now I'm found. Was blind, but now I see. After all these years of denial, I admit it...Atheism is untenable. THERE IS A GOD.




And His name is Jägermeister.

World Peace.

Chapter LXXI: A Toast to Science

Image of the Day: A Study of the Effects of Alcohol Consumption on the Fine Motor Skills of a 130# Male (click to Enlarge)


Research Objectives: To observe (1) how the volume of alcohol consumed affects fine motor coordination and (2) how the passage of time affects the effect of the volume of alcohol consumed on fine motor coordination.

Research Methodology: (1) and (2) above are determined by the relative legibility of the subject's handwriting.

A baseline legibility is established before the subject has consumed any alcohol (first row), at which point a timer is started. At time intervals roughly increasing by factors of two (6 minutes, 14 minutes, 30 minutes), 1 shot of vodka is consumed (each containing approximately 1.2 oz of alcohol), and a handwriting sample is taken, until 1 hour has elapsed.

At that point, no further alcohol is consumed and handwriting samples are taken about every 10 minutes.

Conclusions: Against all rational expectations, it appears alcohol consumption has a marked effect on fine motor skills. The subject's legibility seems to degrade exponentially as time progresses.

Interestingly, it appears that the penmanship progressively deteriorated inward from the end of the alphabet. It is unknown whether this is due to the relative paucity of the latter letters in everyday experience, or simply because the subject's concentration was exhausted by the time he got to them.

Recommendations: Don't drink and write (or drive).

Peer Review: The study attempted to simultaneously track two independent variables (volume of alcohol consumed, and time) rendering the relative weight of each indeterminable. Furthermore, no mechanism has been formulated to quantify the dependent variable--legibility--and so the claim that it deteriorated exponentially is invalid. The study used an absurdly small sample population of one person, who also happened to be the researcher. Thus, double-blind procedure was not followed (or even single-blind procedure), running the risk of confirmation bias. Indeed, it appears this exercise was nothing more than a dumb excuse to become intoxicated, albeit slightly less dumb than previous ones.

Chapter LXIX: The End of the Beginning

A year ago today, I posted the first chapter of this blog. Tempus fugit indeed.

Happy Birthday, Armless Boy.

Image of the Day: Birthday Cake (Found)












Let the festivities begin (this has to be the dumbest excuse to get drunk that I've ever thought of). Cheers!

Chapter LI: Vodka Checkers

Drunken text:
i palyed cheackers with my roomate a few mintues ago. he has one of tohose glass boards with th shot gllass pieces that you pit liquirds in to drinky drink from. we uvsed vodka. but not allll vokda. also some orange sjucce and sprte. like a third and athird andathirdandathird or something. i'm not the fcukign chem major. dont remmeber how ti worked. theres 12 pieces. each one gets some ackleehol and smome oranj joooos, and some spirrte. and oyu mix it all up tastylike. buble bublle bblbub oh yeah, earlier i pltyed him nmormal checkesrs, with normal piaces, and i WON, an d i playted with one less piecee than him. and it was aweom.e so i was like, pssshhh, bring it on foolio, you is sucky at the checkrrs, i traoucennece your ass anyaday, drunk or wahtever. so we play and halfeay through, the fucker triplejumps me. one two thre.e FUUKCKKKCKCKKK. cheater sippity sip all the way down, yum. then i lose cauz he take forever to fucking move afdn i cant think.anymore. vodak shots to the head, brains squish squash pish posh mish mash fish fash oh, i got some mroe fishes in the deep blue sea, joi to you and me not fair. =9 also, i knock ovr the rest of the peices. heeheeheheheheee..hm. sleep oh im soryy i havent bloged. busy. skool. jsut watn to sit in the corner and do corsswordpuzzle.s im good at crsoswords. suckat life. delete soryry. jst jmp ovremepleaez d f d

Chapter XXVI: I Don't Remember What I Was Trying To Forget (That's Good, Right?)

Up until yesterday morning, the most disgusting experience I'd ever had was crapping my pants on a warm summer day and feeling the poop squish around for 20 minutes while I walked home from school.

But...

Waking up naked and discovering that my pillow and half my face is covered in vomit certainly takes the cake as far as disgusting experiences go.

It's ironic that I made fun of my roommate's 'predilection for alcohol induced vomitting fests' a couple posts back. At least Brian had the presence of mind to get to a toilet.

Apparently he was of some assistance to me in my moment of self-destruction, or so I hear (having no recollection of anything after shot number fourteen).

I am disappointed with myself.