Chapter XXXIII: Gainfully Employed

A wise man once said, "My job consists of basically masking my contempt for the assholes in charge, and, at least once a day, retiring to the men's room so I can jerk off while I fantasize about a life that doesn't so closely resemble Hell."

Unfortunately, my current employment --the first I've had in my entire life--is not as exciting as that. I feel more like Patrick Bateman, than Lester Burnham. My job is a sinecure...I don't seem to have any real responsibilities, and I'm overpaid compared to people with the same job title at other departments.

Today I sat at a desk for seven hours, and every 45 minutes or so, someone might drop off a document. I would carefully hole-punch this document and then deposit it in a three-ring binder, in alphabetical order relative to all the other documents in the folder.

I also answered the phone twice. The sad part is when I call my supervisor to ask what I should be doing, nothing really comes up.

The rest of my time is spent doing homework on this computer, which I have affectionately nicknamed The People's Computer, on account of it being publicly funded and therefore belonging, theoretically, to every (tax-paying) Californian.

Hello, People's Computer.

Good Day, Comrade.

...They pay me $8.50 an hour for this.

[Update 5/2/2006] I have more duties now. Yay!

Image of the Day: Jenga Construction I Built on the Toilet While Drunk in the Bathroom

Chapter XXXII: Howell, Revisited

A few months ago, I wrote something about 'a flaming sack of goat feces.' This was not in reference to the peculiar sexual fetish my roommate Darron has, but rather to my perception of Professor Howell's English 253--Romanticism in British Literature--class.

I registered for English 253 with Professor Howell during Fall Quarter, but dropped it after the first day (as if it were a flaming sack of goat feces), and so did 15 other people...out of a class of 35. However, I was not able to replace it with another English class, and nothing fit into my schedule during Winter, so here I am in Spring, registered for Howell's English 253, Tuesdays and Thursdays, from 6 to 8 PM.

This time though, I have no illusions about what I am getting myself into. I KNOW this is going to suck ass, but I'm almost looking forward to it, in a masochistic kind of way. It's sort of like that website goatse.cx. The first time you're tricked into clicking the link, it's so shocking that you close your browser immediately, then shut your eyes for 5 minutes, trying to wipe the image from your retina. I used a similar defense mechanism when confronted with Professor Howell for the first time two quarters ago. But after a while, you become curious and open up goatse again, of your own volition. I think I'm at that stage with this class.

Here are some of the nice things other students have said about Professor Howell on polyratings.com, Cal Poly's student-run, professor rating site:

"I recall how he would come into class slowly everyday, sipping a cup of tea as if he was in great pain. It was the same way with his words, which he said with such anguish that I imagined them trudging forth from the depths of his soul, tearing the flesh on their way out."
"He would take a thought that probably occured to him as he entered this classroom, and visibly and audibly labour his way through the maze that thought created."
"The guy took a half an hour of class just drawing out a seating chart. The way he speaks is like Ben Stein on depressants."
"This was the most boring class I've ever had in my life."

The first time I read those comments, I thought they were exaggerations. They aren't.

In other news, I don't know if Darron actually has a goat feces fetish (flaming, and in a sack, or otherwise). I just wonder if he ever reads my blog.

[Update] As of May 27, 2006, Darron has not commented on the goat fetish allegations contained herein.

Chapter XXXI: Five Lists, With Commentary

Image of the Day: Glass Sculpture by Marvin Lipofsky, on display in the University Art Gallery


















Last Five Movies I Watched:
1. Serenity (A-)
2. V for Vendetta (D-)
3. Cidade de Deus (A)
4. Vanity Fair (C)
5. Supernova (F)

Last Five Foods I Ate:
1. Tiramisu cake (C)
2. Braised short-ribs (A-)
3. Beef bulgogi (B+)
4. Vegetable fried rice (B-)
5. In-N-Out cheeseburger (A)

Last Five Drinks I Consumed:
1. Mango iced tea (C+)
2. Frozen margarita (B+)
3. Orange Gatorade (A-)
4. Ice water (B)
5. Smirnoff Ice (B+)

Last Five Poker Hands I was Dealt:
1. Ace-Jack offsuit (B)
2. Five-Deuce suited (F)
3. Nine-Five offsuit (F)
4. Queen-Jack suited (C+)
5. Jack-Four suited (F)

Last Five Websites I Bookmarked:
1. Bound, Blindfolded and Dead...
2. Adventures in Everyday Life
3. Cal Poly Office of Academic Records Grading Symbols
4. Calories, Carbs, and Alcohol Content in Various Beers
5. Successful Job Interviewing Tips

Chapter XXX: Lorem Ipsum, et al.

As you know, Lorem Ipsum is the name of the Latin derived nonsense text used to fill up graphic design solutions as they are being developed. It is useful because it resembles many European languages in letter distribution, but does not distract the viewer by actually being readible. A web-based Lorem Ipsum generator can be found here (a generator is also built into Adobe InDesign, if you have it).

It goes something like this:
Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Donec et enim. Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus I fucking hate my life orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae...

Ready, AIM, Fire...:
tryptofantasmiC: in civilization II, if you choose to use the world map, your first settlers always start in the middle east no matter what country you are
tryptofantasmiC: USA, aztecs, england...
Xxxxxxxxxxx Xxxx: well that's just great
Xxxxxxxxxxx Xxxx: maybe the USA can get oil off the bat
Xxxxxxxxxxx Xxxx: and not have to fight "wars" all the time

Image of the Day: My Fried Rice Concoction [2 cups steamed rice, 2 tbsp oil, 2 onions, 4 eggs, three handfuls frozen vegetables, one handful salad mix, one handful mushrooms, 1/2 cup soy sauce, 2 chicken breasts].

I know what you are thinking--'Soy sauce in fried rice? Jerry, are you out of your mind?! Or worse, have you turned White and actually think that is normal?!' Neither! In much the same way some men wear pink because they are secure in their masculinity, I use soy sauce on rice because I am secure in my Asian heritage. At least, that's what I tell myself.

You click, but to no avail.

Chapter XXIX: 'S' for Shit

Simply put, V For Vendetta was a terrible movie. To anyone who actually enjoyed it, I can only ask, rhetorically, 'Are you like...a crazy person?' Natalie Portman's weakest performance, I must say.

Other movies I hated, in no particular order:
Waking Life, Vertigo, Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, The Brothers Grimm

Image of the Day: A For Acupuncture. [Digital camera, and then Photoshop]


I like the gummy in the back with his head tilted, as in 'WTF?'

Chapter XXVIII: The Fucking Cusp [Updated]

I have a B+ in Physics...missed the A- cut by 3 points out of 500. I didn't study for the final because I was so sure I'd make it. Thank you, Professor Baker, for teaching me humility (as well as thermodynamics).

Also, despite scoring 10-15% higher than the median on every exam, I'm ending up with a B+ in Architectural History as well. Missed the A- by 3 points out of 400.

And finally, assuming no curve is miraculously applied at the last minute (a fair assumption to make, in this case), my final grade in Calculus will be 68.5%, also known as D+. This score distribution is here. I was able to deduce that I am bar 38 based mainly on my homework score, which is abysmally low (I only turned in one assignment).

AAAAAHHH!!!!! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE SMARTER BY ONE FUCKING PERCENT?! Or stupider, by the same amount. When I calculated my GPA just now, I missed a parantheses and it came out to 173.539...That would have made the Dean's List for sure.

[Update] Pursuant to an empassioned email I sent to my Calculus professor, he decided to give me a C-. I wouldn't say I finessed my way into a grade boost, since I clearly deserved it, but it was close call. Horray for well composed emails! The email (I am especially proud of my use of paragraph seperations):

Professor Jimenez,
My name is Jerry Fan, ID# 7997, and I was enrolled in afternoon section of MATH 182. I noticed that the final grade distributions had been posted on the class website but not individual grades.

I was able to deduce which bar on the final grade distribution represents me based on my midterm scores. It appears that my Final Exam score is 107/130, and that my raw average for the course is 69%.

I was wondering if you could confirm these figures, or clarify them if they are wrong.

Furthermore, I would like to know if there is anything I can do to show my understanding of the material and demonstrate that I deserve to pass this class.

I think the significant improvement between my midterm scores (F and D, respectively) and my Final Exam score (B) shows that although I did not grasp the concepts at first, I was able to by the end of the quarter, since the Final was cumulative.

Also, whereas I was simply unprepared for the first midterm, I actually did fairly well on the second one, except for the two problems on Arc Length and Surface Area, for which I simply blanked out and scored 1's. Were it not for these two problems, I would have earned at least a C on the second midterm. I made sure to study these two sections much more carefully before the Final.

Finally, I realize I would not be in this situation had I just completed more homework assignments, and I have no excuse for that, besides simply not having time to as result of taking 20 units this quarter.

Thus, although my course average is 69%, I don't believe that a D would accurately reflect my attainment of the learning objectives outlined in the syllabus.

Please let me know what I can do at this point.

Thank you,
Jerry Fan
jcfan@calpoly.edu

In other news:
"There's a great story to be told about atoms and the void: how atoms evolved out of fire and bent space and grew into Homer, Chartres cathedral and 'Blonde on Blonde.' How those same atoms came to learn that the earth, sun, life, intelligence and the whole universe will eventually die." - The New York Times

Image of the Day: Levels-Adjusted Scan Of India Ink Blown With A Straw Across Nonabsorptive Paper