Chapter XLVI: Top Chef

Tonight was the season finale of Top Chef on BravoTV. Top Chef can be described as basically a synthesis of American Idol, The Real World, and Iron Chef in that it begins with a group of chefs living together in a house. The group is whittled down one at a time in a progression of culinary challenges until only the 'Top Chef' remains. That person wins $100,000.

One of two finalists was Tiffany, who was described by many of the other cast members as being a 'bitch.' Certainly, she kept a very brusque exterior during the whole competition, and her cooking philosophy seemed to be more about adhering to abtract ideals of culinary theory than pleasing the real-life clients.

After she lost in the last challenge to Harold, there was a poignant post-challenge interview where her facade cracked a tiny bit and you really saw that she was actually a decent person, who was just trying to win. It's sad that everyone else on the show hated her, and likewise in the viewer polls. I for one, was rooting for her.

It was often stated on the show that the difference between a cook and a chef is that a cook merely follows recipes, whereas a chef creates new ones. Top Chef showed me that, first, food is much more complex than I imagined, and second, that cooking is about much more than just the food. Even before you taste a dish, you see it, and smell it; in addition to flavor, there is texture.

Cooking is the only art that engages all five senses and each of these sensations must be carefully calibrated to achieve a singular effect, which is tailored to the individual client and circumstances. A prewritten recipe details what choices one chef found to be appropriate for one client at one point in time--and who knows, perhaps it may apply well to other times as also. But not always. A top chef must always question the arbitrary directives of a recipe, asking himself what effect a particular direction has, and what should be changed in light of his own needs.

And that's why I left the tater tots in the oven for half an hour instead of eight minutes--NOT because I was playing Literati and completely forgot about them. I used my chef's prerogative to override the silly plastic bag's heating instructions so as to enhance the texture, both visual and physical, of my creation. As Tiffany might say, comestibility is an easy price to pay, when artistic integrity is at stake.

Chapter XLV: Who's Space?

Over the past three years, a website popular with teenagers and sexual predators has emerged called "http://www.myspace.com/" or MySpace, as it is colloquially known. Registered members are able to create a "profile" page wherein they post pictures of themselves committing arson. When hyperlinking to a MySpace profile from some other online social networking construct, it is considered "cool" to incorporate the words "My Space" into a larger sentence or phrase. Examples of this include "MySpaceShip" and the increasingly ubiquitous "Fuck your place, let's go to MySpace."

But you know all that.

In any case, I was perusing a MySpace profile today that linked to a applet titled "How Will You Be Defined In The Dictionary?" Basically you type in your name and it makes up a definition. For example, 'Jerry' returns [noun] Pretentiously academian." 'Tryptofantasmic' returns "[adjective] Extremely extreme!" Finally, 'George W. Bush' is defined as "[Noun] A person with a sixth sense for detecting the presence of goblins."

I always think too much about this shit, so it occurred to me that those definitions are actually fairly relevant. In my academic writings, I have been known to wax pretentious, what with the sprinkling about of 'ipso facto' and 'as it were.' 'Tryptofantasmic' does have a superlative sound to it, and George W. Bush is very paranoid; goblins can be interpreted as a metaphor for WMD.

Of course, I was pretty sure these correlations were coincidental, so I entered real words into the form, to prove to myself that the so-called dictionary didn't actually process what was being typed. However, when I entered 'ugly' it was defined as "[noun] A person who has the ability to be invisible," which, again, is within two degrees of interpretability. Next, though, 'octegenarian' came up as "[adjective] Extremely promiscuous, sexually" and that's just...ugh. So QED.

Image of the Day: Et tu, Brute?
You may recall this image with a different caption (cf. Chapter XXIX). A week ago, I opened a caption contest thread on a forum I post to, and this was the best one. I am almost inspired to create more gummy bear art tailored to other Shakesperean quotes.

Chapter XLV: Another Awesome Debate

My favorite line of argument was regarding the Counterplan.

In our First Affirmative Constructive, we laid out our plan of having Congress repeal Sections 215, 216, and 218 of the USA PATRIOT Act of 2001. Those sections had expanded provisions of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA) of 1978, resulting in broader executive authority (ostensibly to fight terrorism) which, we argued, was harmful to the nation because of their impact on constitutionally guaranteed civil rights (1st amendment protection of free speech, and 4th amendment protection against unreasonable search and seizure).

The Negative has two options at this point for the First Negative Constructive--they can defend the status quo, arguing that the PATRIOT Act's modifications to FISA are necessary for national security and that the civil liberties tradeoff is justified; or, they can stipulate that there is a problem with the status quo, but offer a different, presumably more solvent, plan. This Negative took the second approach and advocated having the Supreme Court rule the PATRIOT Act unconstitutional. This is more solvent because the Supreme Court has specific expertise in Constitutional law and will set a binding precedent.

We rejoined in the Second Affirmative Constructive that the current composition of the Supreme Court is heavily biased in favor of President Bush and expanded executive authority, and thus would not rule the PATRIOT Act unconstitutional.

The Second Negative Constructive sidestepped this issue by arguing that the Affirmative plan suffered the same difficulty. A Republican dominated Congress, they said, is just as beholden to President Bush as a Republican dominated Supreme Court, so the two weaknesses cancel out. The Negative argues that the debate must focus on only the relative desirabilities of the two plans, not their relative possibilities of occuring.

However, we reminded them that only the Affirmative Plan had fiat--that is, only the Affirmative plan is assumed to be possible (if not desirable); this concession is made because the Affirmative has the burden of proof of showing that the status quo is undesirable, and that the Plan is desirable. However, the Negative Counterplan is not assumed to be possible, nor is it assumed to be desirable, and the Negative, having forgone their opportunity of arguing for the status quo, has the burden of proof to show both possibility and desirability.

Chapter XLIV: Passing Gas

As of 5:00 PM Eastern, May 14th, 2006, the average price of gasoline in California was $3.24 per gallon. This is an increase of $0.76 from the same date in 2005, and $1.76 from the same date in 2000. Those of you with SUVs undoubtedly feel that this is a terrible injustice, perhaps even a crime against humanity. However, being the eternal optimist that I am (and not having a car), I choose to look on the bright side.

If you think about it, $3.24 really isn't so bad! Applying some simple calculation to readily available data, I compiled the following list of what it would cost if your car ran on...

Diet Snapple - $10.32 per gallon.
Evian mineral water - $21.19 per gallon.
Heineken: $48.00 per gallon.
Cherry-flavored Nyquil: $146.99 per gallon.
Dell black photo ink: $5,787.23 per gallon.
Chanel No. 5: $48,640.00 per gallon (+shipping).
Molten gold: $87,178.03 per gallon (as of 11:20 Eastern, May 14, 2006)
1787 Chateau Lafite Bordeaux wine from the estate of Thomas Jefferson: $35,627,405.10 per gallon.

In fact, the only liquid cheaper than crude oil is seawater. So quit bitchin'.

Chapter XLIII: I'm Gay

Image of the Day: I Heart Boys

I guess I wouldn't want anyone to think that it was a sudden revelation, like I woke up this morning and a rainbow colored lightbulb flickered on over my head. I've more or less known I was gay since 7th grade.

On the other hand, there is a certain concreteness in putting down "I'm Gay" in writing and addressing it (theoretically) to the entire universe. It's more symbolic than anything, since most people in Real Life already know, and those who don't don't read this blog.

It would be dramatic for me to say that this blog post is the culmination of a seven year process of self-discovery, but it's really not. This is merely an affirmation, to myself, and an acknowledgement that I'm ready to be more open with my sexuality.

[Update] Unexpectedly, this has become the most read post. I feel like I should put something profound here, but there's really nothing to add.

Chapter XLII: Cross Examination

Esoteric--policy debate.

Two interesting cross-ex segments from my last practice debate.

Note to the reader: In cross-ex transcripts, the speaker is identified in terms of the constructive speech he gives.
1AC = the person who gave the first affirmative constructive speech
2NC = the person who gave (or will give) the second negative constructive speech. I was the 2NC for this debate.

[1AC has just given his speech, wherein he proposes that Congress repeal Section 412 of the PATRIOT Act]
2NC (me): First off, please read the resolution text so we all know what we're debating about.
1AC: Resolved that the US Congress should substantially restrict one or more of the authorities established by the USA PATRIOT Act of 2001.
2NC: Thank you. The authority you wish Congress to restrict is that of indefinite detention?
1AC: Yes, under the PATRIOT Act the Attorney General can detain foreign aliens indefinitely.
2NC: Your position is that indefinite detention is unconstitutional, correct?
1AC: Yes.
2NC: Which Section of the PATRIOT Act grants this unconstitutional authority?
1AC: Section 412.
2NC: Here is a copy of Section 412 of the PATRIOT Act [Procures document and passes it to other team]. Please point out the specific text which authorizes the Attorney General to detain people indefinitely.
1AC: [A minute of silence as they pore over the text fruitlessly]
2NC: I have no further questions.

Note to the reader: In fact, the much feared indefinite detention supposedly authorized by Section 412 is not explicitly mentioned therein. It is the result of a loophole involving Section 412 and the Immigration Code. Section 412 allows the Attorney General to detain someone for only seven days before he must charge him with a crime or release him. However, it is not stated what must happen after the person is charged--theoretically, the Attorney General can charge the person with a minor immigration violation within seven days and THEN hold him forever. Which is what he should have said.

[I have finished my 2NC wherein I argued that using the Supreme Court to rule Section 412 unconstitutional is more solvent]
1AC: Do you know how many members the Supreme Court has?
2NC: Yes.
1AC: How many?
2NC: Nine.
1AC: So you're comfortable with the idea of nine unelected men deciding the fate of 250 million people?
2NC: I'm sorry, did you say nine men?
1AC: Yes.
2NC: I wasn't aware that Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is a man. I look forward to hearing your piece of evidence on that.
Judges: [Chuckles]

Note to the reader: I did eventually answer the question, of course. The counterargument I chose for this particular debate was that although unelected, the Supreme Court is composed of the finest legal minds in the country, as determined by the President and Congress (responsible for confirming the President's nominations). Thus, any criticism of a Justice's suitability to rule on constitutional issues is in effect a criticism of Congress's judgement in confirming that Justice. As such, the Affirmative cannot attack my plan in this respect without admitting that Congress is fallible and weakening their own plan, which calls for an Act of Congress rather than a Supreme Court ruling.

Chapter XLI: Sewage Safari

An unsuspecting glass of sewage grazes passively on the countertop. This specimen exhibits a bright red proboscis, the operating principles of which confounds experts to this day, or at least a large portion of a certain Physics 122 class.

The sewage is captured in the prehensile appendage of a bipedal mammal (Homo sapiens sapiens, "human"). The human makes a superficial attempt at devouring the proboscis, but he has been conditioned by previous experience to believe that polystyrene is undigestible and desists.

The main body of the sewage, however, is eminently palatable to the young human and he commences to absorb its stinky beneficence.

In a matter of seconds, it is completely consumed. The bleak landscape the Morro 301 wastelands necessitates eating as quickly as possible. Time spent eating is time that is not spent hunting for the next meal--which, in this harsh environment, is never assured.

Chapter XL: Extra Large

Image of the Day: Glass Sculpture in the University Art Gallery

I am always mildly amused when acronyms have more than one meaning... for example, XL means 40, as well as extra large.

Also, whenever there's something in the news about African rebel groups using RPGs against the government forces, I chuckle--not because I enjoy ethnic conflict, but at the idea of Role Playing Games being lethal weapons. It also seems strange to me that Libertarians get so riled up about labor unions and corporations donating ever larger amounts of money to PACs. I mean, this country is uncultured enough as it is, Performing Arts Centers can use all the funds they can get. And finally, I found it hilarious when the Irish Republican Army laid down their weapons and transformed into a tax-deferred retirement plan.

In an ironic twist, this post will be not be very large at all.

Chapter XXXIX: Sig Heil

For some reason, Nazi references cropped up a lot this week, with the latest and most interesting example occuring in studio today.

Professor Grover was discussing the site conditions for a hypothetical location in San Luis Obispo, on which I will be designing a hypothetical art gallery. Specifically, she referred to the properties of daylight at our latitude and how at noon during the winter, the sun angle is 30 degrees above the southern horizon. To illustrate what that really means, the entire class was instructed to stand up, face the south wall, hold an arm straight out, and raise it 40 degrees.

At that moment, as luck would have it, two girls passed by the open door. They glanced inside and quickly walked away, obviously scandalized by what appeared to be a Neo-Nazi rally taking place in the Architecture building.

This is actually only one of many references to Nazis I experienced this week. Earlier, there was a news segment on CNN about actual Neo-Nazis rioting in Scandinavia.

Before that, I called one of my roommates 'Adolf Shitler' due to his draconian policies regarding the upkeep of our jointly used bathroom.

And on Monday, during my debate round, I said something to the effect that "America's respect for individual liberties is what separates us from Hitler's Germany, Saddam's Hussein's Iraq, and Osama bin Laden's vision for a totalitarian theocracy. If America is willing to compromise its founding principles to buy temporary security, then the terrorists have won, because we will become the very thing we are fighting against." I was Affirmative and arguing that the PATRIOT Act's modifications to the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act should be undone.

Image of the Day: Google Earth/coolzor: Swastika Building at San Diego Naval Base

Chapter XXXVIII: Metaphorically Speaking

In the kitchen of my apartment, there are two trash cans of equal size. One is grey and unmarked. The other is blue and inscribed with the words "WE RECYCLE" as well as the triangular recycle logo. This is not true, however. A few months ago, I successfully imposed by libertarian waste disposal agenda upon my roommates and now we use the two trash cans interchangeably.

That is to say, you can expect to find the same quantity of "recycleable" and unrecycleable material in each one at any given time. For a riveting discussion of why "recycleable" is in quotation marks, and a new perspective on public recycling programs, refer the the essay I wrote here. You will have to wait 35 seconds before the website lets you download it.

I took out the trash in both trash cans today, and there was only one replacement trash bag left, which resulted in the irony of the box that used to contain trash bags being disposed of in the last trash bag that it contained. *Metaphor Warning* I started thinking about old people and how they are always fearing that their children will no longer find them relevant and toss them aside like yesterday's garbage. How was is that Ewan McGregor put it in Trainspotting? Something to the effect of "...rotting away at the end of it all. Pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you spawned to replace yourself." A dire scenario indeed.

On the other hand, the empty box was the first thing that went into the trash bag. Perhaps this reflects how the younger generation internalizes the wisdom of its elders. After all, a person's first, and arguably most important, education is from his parents--what we learn in childhood serves as the foundation for everything else in our lives.

Personally, I think I'd rather toss the geezers aside like yesterday's garbage.

Trivia: XXXVIII, the Roman numeral notation for this chapter, has as many characters as the word "Chapter."

Image of the Day: My favorite shirt: Live Si Iloccrob

Chapter XXXVII: Healthiness Month

I decided today that it would be nice to be in shape for once in my life. It might as well be now, when it's still relatively easy to start up some healthy habits. I mean, I could wait until I'm a blind, arthritic, octegenarian with no bowel control (seriously, I've seen these people in the gym), but then I would break my collarbone trying to do a tricep pulldown. And that's not fun (at all).

Sooo....

As of now, May is officially declared Healthiness Month. I'm going to do everything healthy!

But first, a baseline is needed against which progress can be measured. That brings us to...

the Image of the Day: Current State of My Torso




















That picture is actually from a week ago, but whatever. In a month or so, I will take another picture and see what's up. Hoped for improvements and plan of attack are:

1. More defined midsection (rectus abdominus, iliac crest)
a. Augment daily jogging regimen to 5 instead of 3 miles.
b. Drink a gallon of water every day to decrease subcutaneous water retention.
c. Forsake the delightful chocolate chip cookies that Quinn bakes every so often.

2. Thicker chest (pectoralis major, pectoralis minor, serratus anterior)
a. Bench press (incline and decline).
b. Flye machine.
c. Anabolic steroids.

3. Generally look healthier
a. Tan
b. Nipple piercing
c. Bathe in buttermilk.

Hm, so I got less and less realistic as I went along. As you can see, I am already discouraged. Bleh. Healthy is overrated anyway; wealthy and wise is where it's at. What am I saying? To hell with wise...