Chapter XIX: The Miracle of Life [Continued]

I had lunch with the family and saw my cousin's eight month old daughter named Riley yesterday. The high-tech contraption holding her was placed on top of the table so her left foot was about ten inches away from my face for the duration of lunch.

But what an exquisite foot it was! Never before had I seen such exquisitude, except perhaps in the facade of the Burj al-Arab hotel. Surely, baby toes are the most delightfully cute things in the world, so round and pink and topped with perfectly formed toenails. If I were living in the 18th century, I would have said to myself, only by the glory of God could something so wonderful come about, and baby toes certainly prove His existence!

Instead, I started thinking about how I would probably make a terrible parent, since organisms entrusted to my care have a penchant for dying rather quickly.

Many years ago, I had a little cactus whose selling point was that it did not require a copious amount of attention. In fact, the information card said that watering once a month would be sufficient for it to live long, and perhaps, just perhaps, even prosper. I put the cactus on top of the toilet and promptly forgot about it for half a year. One morning I was peeing and wondered what that thing on the water tank was. It looked like a geezer's shriveled penis...that had turned green. And grew spines.

"Egads," I said, after realizing it was not a geezer penis at all, but my cactus. I immediately watered it, but it was already too late. The unfortunate plant perished shortly thereafter. So it goes, as Kurt Vonnegut would say.

A few years later, my family acquired a parakeet and a cockatiel under mysterious circumstances. Jennifer named the parakeet 'Tequila' and the cockatiel's name has since faded into the mists of time. In any case, they both died quickly.

Last year, I purchased some Venus flytraps...that died. So there you have it, I suck at keeping things alive.

In other news, I have not heard anything from the Finnish lawyer since I gave him my bank account information. What could possibly be wrong?