Chapter XVIII: The Miracle of Life

I am pleased to announce that I have just quite suddenly become wealthier, to the tune of $22 million! From whence does this unexpected largesse originate, you might well ask. It all started this afternoon, when I checked my inbox, and within it was an email from a Finnish probate attorney!

Unbeknown to me, I had a 5th cousin residing in the United Kingdom who possessed a very well-endowed bank account (Many websites offer cheap bank account enlargement pills, but don't trust them! All natural is the way to go). Tragically, he and his entire family perished in a car crash--or motor accident as the British so quaintly put it--which left his estate in a state of limbo until the astute Finnish barrister found me, after three years of scouring the globe for a next of kin. Incidentally, the dead relative is 'Harvishard Fan' which, according to sources, is "an awesome name.

As instructed, I handed over my confidential financial details to the helpful Finn and he promised to initiate the transfer of assets from the Nigerian central bank to my bank account as soon as some paperwork processed. Yay!

It is ironic to think that I almost died earlier today and might not have been able to avail myself of this stupendous opportunity.

My octegenarian grandmother has a helper Sheila, whose job description consists of "carry Grandma's purse, and open doors for her." To these, add one: "provide harrowing near death experiences for Grandma's offspring's offspring." Sheila was driving Grandma home today, and I had the fortune of being in the car also. The problem arose when Sheila thought she was on the wrong freeway and had what looked to me like a nervous breakdown. She slowed to 35 mph (everyone else still at 75) and was driving in two lanes simultaneously.

This is essentially the opposite of Space Mountain at Disneyland. In Space Mountain, you are in a vehicle zooming towards an object at 40 mph and you swerve out of the way at the last moment. By contrast, in the Sheila Ride, other objects speed toward you at 40 mph and swerve out of the way at the last moment. What fun! The Sheila Ride is not recommended for people with heart conditions or a desire to live. In light of that, you may think this post can more appropriately be titled "It's a Miracle I Lived!" But you would be wrong.

Actually, you would be right, because this post is about to runneth over and the part that would make you wrong will be posted tomorrow instead.

In other news, a straight still beats three-of-a-kind.