Chapter CXXIV: In Which Our Hero Is Gravely Wounded

"This product contains chemicals known to the State of California to cause birth defects and other reproductive harm." Well, shit. I guess I shouldn't buy this coffee mug. Or this knock-off tupperware. Or this 'sexy nurse' costume. Everything I would ever want from the 99-cent store causes birth defects and/or cancer--according to the State of California, anyway. To be sure, the State of California might be a lying bitch, but even so, I just can't bring myself to eat out of something that has a skull and crossbones sticker on it.

The can openers though, are stickerless and free of danger. Or so I thought. During the summer, I ate approximately three cans of tuna a day, and opened them with a stainless steel can opener that I bought at a supermarket for about $20. It opened cans with the efficiency of a German blitzkreig conquering Poland, and I loved it. Unfortunately, while moving into my new apartment though, this marvel of kitchen engineering took it upon itself to disappear (perhaps escaping to Argentina like numerous Nazi officials.

So, I needed a can opener, and could nary believe my luck upon procuring one for a relative pittance at the 99-cent store. I rushed home with my prize, flung open the cabinet door, and cackled menacingly at the cowering tuna cans. They had grown complacent in the interim. I chose a victim and brought him to the sink, where I proceeded to use my new can opener for the first time.

It was unexpectedly difficult, more like the Russian campaign than the Polish one. I had to reclamp the edge several times to make any progress at all, and eventually reached an impasse--there was this little part of tin that the damn can opener simply refused to cut through! I named that bit Stalingrad. I resorted to trying to pry off the lid (mostly detached) with my fingers. And then it happened.

AAAAaAAaaaaHHH1!!!! OWwwwW!!!!! The fucking can decided to fight back and sliced an inch-long gash into my thumb. I bled all over my tuna--but ate it anyway--and then called the Student Health Services center to make an appointment for a tetanus shot.

The moral of this story is, don't buy ANYTHING for the 99-cent store. Even if it doesn't cause cancer, it'll figure out some way to kill you.