Chapter LXX: Snakes on a What?

Image of the Day: Ticket Stub
Despite what my ticket stub would have you believe, I did not watch Snakes on a Plane last night. I almost did. After the first fifteen minutes, though, it was pretty obvious where the setup was heading. It was the worn and weary (some would say tried and true) B-Movie paradigm: an assortment of one-dimensional characters crowded into a confined space, ripe to be killed off one at a time in ridiculously gruesome ways.

Well, Deep Blue Sea came out years ago, and also featured slimy carnivores devouring an arrogant British businessman and a dumb blonde chick. I had also already seen Anaconda, in which slimy carnivores--snakes, no less--devour (you guessed it) an arrogant British businessman* and a dumb blonde*, among others. In all three of these cinematic abortions, the obese black comic relief* always makes it out alive. Speaking of abortion, [update: the rest of this sentence has been removed].

Since I already knew what was going to happen, and nothing unique appeared forthcoming, we decided to forgo what Rolling Stone describes as:

...a murky stew of shock effects repeated so often that the suspense quickly droops along with your eyelids. It's not so bad that it's good. It's so bland that it's boring. Not even worth a hissss.

A hop and a skip away in the next theater, Step Up was about to begin. It stars Channing Tatum (Or is it Tatum Channing? I can never remember) and Jenna Dewan. To be sure, Step Up is as formulaic as Snakes on a Plane. The movie about a wealthy dance student teaching and falling in love with his/her low-income partner has been done innumerably: The Cutting Edge, Strictly Ballroom, Center Stage, Save the Last Dance, Take the Lead, et al.

It does, however, redeem itself by veering away from the most overused conflict arcs. We are spared the snobby parent who tries to squash the budding relationship, the cliché love triangle drama, and the anorexia subplot. Step Up contains a truly unexpected sad moment and grips of impressive dancing, making it enjoyable, dare I say rewatchable. It also has a kickass soundtrack, though I'm not sure if it "defines a generation," as the trailers claim.

By far, the best movie I saw this weekend was the DVD of Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang. Memorable Quote:
Gay Perry: Look up 'idiot' in the dictionary. You know what you'll find?
Harry: A picture of me?
Gay Perry: No! The definition of 'idiot,' which you FUCKING ARE!

*Not to imply that all British businessmen are arrogant, just the ones who are made that way so no one is sad when they are eaten by giant snakes.
*Kenan Thompson, LL Cool J, and Ice Tea, respectively. Not to imply that all black people are obese, just the ones who make it out alive in movies about giant snakes.
*Not to imply that all blonde people are dumb. All blondes are dumb.